The cold feet syndrome, -- The fear of commitment
Do you often back out from your words?
Do you often forget what you promised?
Do you make empty promises, just to gain something out of the other person?
Do you know anyone who has the fear of commitment and you like to understand why?
The present blog is a sequel to the previous one on the affair. Running into an affair was one way of running away. Running away from a commitment is another.
Therefore, in this blog, we will dissect and examine the root cause of The fear of commitment.
Let us begin defining the meaning of commitment, that we are talking about. It is not only the commitment to marrying somebody. It is a commitment to many things. Committing to a cause, a project, a sport, a business, or buying a house.
What happens in a relationship when one of you is committed to staying single. Even though you are in a harmonious relationship for 10 years, you don't want to tighten the knots.
You talk yourself into believing „we are ok this way”. Then as time flies --the girl in the relationship begins to question her value and asks: „Am I not worth it for him to marry and spending the rest of his life with me?”
Here we are with two people who are living out of their fears. One is the
fear of „being good enough for someone to chose me”. The other has the fear of
losing independence and freedom.
There is one more fear which is underlyingly causing all these issues. What
do you think, which fear is?
The fear of responsibility.
Who has the cold feet believes „I am not good enough to persevere and endure all that's needed to live with one woman forever. I am afraid to trust myself.
Furthermore: ” I am not good enough to be responsible, I am not adult enough, I am
not agile enough, I am not strong enough to be responsible for my decisions. I
am not good enough to be committed to problem-solving to stay there through
thick and thin to resolve all with love."
You may be afraid of commitment because marriage is a bad omen for you. There have been too many bad examples within your family. So you simply don't trust marriage. You may even think that marriage will ruin everything. There are too many bad examples that prove the marriage to be a license to get fat, to start letting out our childhood emotional stuff on the other person.
We haven't seen
our parents work out their differences. Then we may have witnessed the painful divorce, fighting for custody, or dividing finances. We have experienced how two
people how they once were in love how they became enemies. So how can we devote
ourselves to the institution of marriage, when we think it breaks all that is good.
You may be afraid of marriage because you don't want to have children. You may be afraid to take on your views that the type of marriage you like to
have is not about raising kids. You are afraid to challenge social expectations
and have a marriage in which you are raising yourselves. You just want to share your life with someone who can live your missing childhood. You want to have a marriage where you support each other to make your dreams come
true and grow as human beings. These types of marriages are only „normal” by
social standards if it is a second marriage, or for someone after the age of
40.
Why can't we stand up for our inner truth and just live happily the way we want?
By not taking responsibility for our inner voice we sign the certification of our „weakness.”
This is why we are stuck at a job that has no interest to us, still single, and live a life of a victim. We live in scarcity, and we live in the beliefs of the undeserving. If we lived in any other way, we could not blame our boss, the system, the government, or the opposite gender. Simply we don't believe that we have what it takes to get it done!
Lets us take the fear of commitment to one step further.
This is the fear of commitment to do something out of passion. Fear of following your life calling and being able to make a living out of it.
This means the fear of starting a business.
We are afraid of starting a business because we link our value
to our knowledge and righteousness. We don't believe that difficulties are
there to makes us grow. We believe that difficulty means failing. We don’t
believe that a small mistake doesn't mean the end of something and is not equal
to a personal failure. We are afraid to face any unknown points where it
becomes clear that we still have to learn something new.
What does the conditioned mind say to that? "If we have to learn
something new, it means I am not good enough the way I am."
This also means: "I am afraid to experience anything which points out that I am not good
enough and what I say isn't right."
What we are really afraid of -- Accepting that life is a lifetime of learning.
The only thing we know is wishing for the end of anything.
We live in the getting it over with mode.
We are afraid to acknowledge the journey.
We are afraid to live fully the thousands of present moments in a day.
We are afraid to handle the unexpected.
We are afraid to take the road where the unexpected
would take us.
Our minds can’t imagine that change can lead to any direction that serves us.
Our minds can't imagine that becoming an entrepreneur can work.
Our minds can't imagine that any possible failure is nothing but a
stepping stone to grow and it is not the end of the world.
Take a look at who fails and let's learn from them.
Why do people and businesses fail?
Those failed who didn't believe in themselves.
Who didn’t believe that they can do it and can do it all the way!
They also didn't believe that they deserve the freedom that comes with being an entrepreneur.
Because they didn't believe
to deserve abundance.
They failed as they took financial downfall as a personal failure and gave
up too soon. Because they were not open to learning and were not open to being
flexible. They were not open to growth and change. They were not open to adapt.
They failed as their value as a person was linked to money and materialistic
things. They failed as they didn't learn to use money as a tool. Failed as they
got into speculations, and they were only in for the money.
Did you know that a failure in your health is a lot bigger than losing money?
How much does it cost you, when your health deteriorates and you get one illness after the other?
Take
a look at those who have been running after money and see what they lost along
the way.
WHO DIDN'T DEVELOP THE REQUIRED PERSONAL CHARACTERS FOR A SUCCESSFUL
BUSINESS OR HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIP, -- will fail.
Let us see the reasons for failure a little further:
Who fails in business or relationship?
Those, who don't examine the real
reason behind failure and don't learn from it. Those who wanted the big money
and forgot to appreciate a quality life in true abundance. Those fail who keep
wanting more, bigger, faster, shinier, and more expensive.
Those who don't believe that small businesses can also bring in a
gradually growing, solid, and stable income. Furthermore, you don't need a
large office with 50 employees to succeed. Those who fail, don't appreciate
small and gradual growth along with the learning in human values.
Those who don't realize that their personal growth is a prerequisite for building a bigger and financially stable business will fail.
HOW CAN YOU SUCCEED ON THIS JOURNEY?
I am sure you know the answer.
If you focus on building the foundational human characters required for a
financially stable business or a harmonious relationship you are doomed to
succeed.
If you don't build the required characters first all you do -- will fail.
Not only your relationship or business will fail, but your health will too. You will feel a failure as a person. You will feel worthless, and you can go back to practicing the same old complaining, living with your grudges, resenting all you did and all you didn't, and blaming always others. You will justify yourself that you tried, but it didn’t work. You will ensure yourself further that you are unlucky and poor you, nothing ever happens for you. And when you arrive at this point, you will believe that you have nothing, your life is worthless. You will believe that life equals suffering. You will completely downgrade yourself and your abilities and begin giving up on life. This is the beginning of your death when you are spending each day of your life waiting for the end.
Is there a way out of here? Yes of course there is!
To truly realize the next step you need to honestly answer the
following.
Have you looked at your mind and your thoughts? What kind of thoughts do
you think about? What kind of things do you notice during the day? What is it what
you talk about?
How can you expect a happy and harmonious relationship and a successful business if your head is full of fears, unworthy, and negative thoughts every single day?
Your life, your business, your relationship, and your health won't change
if you keep the very same thoughts!
What are you waiting for?
Who do you think will change those thoughts in
your head for you?
Would you like to live happily and fly free through life because you don't depend on your environment and circumstances?
Let me tell you this:
If I could do break through my fears of commitment, so can you!
And Let me also add: None of these what I am talking about here was thought on a university. (I have 3 masters and a Ph.D.)
All of this knowledge was inside
me. I just had to unlock them by transforming all those emotional wounds into
empowerment.
How did I do this?
And moreover, how can you do this?
Let's have coffee-tea online and I let you know. I guarantee you will walk
away feeling so much better about yourself.
Drzsu@drzsu.com
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