What if you don't have to keep running away?
Do you freeze from commitment?
Do you back out at the last moment and don't know why?
Do you often feel disappointed and find a solution by running into an affair?
Another relationship issue.
Another subject which causes plenty of trouble for most of us.
Since you All know me and my
work, you know I don't stop examining a subject on the surface. I go beyond the
visible and dig deep down to uncover the whole truth. I will do this today as
well. Therefore, I like to warn you: This article may not be in your favor and
your liking, if you are not ready to look into the truth within you. In that
case, you better navigate away from this post.
If you decide to stay here, I
like to congratulate you! I am grateful
and respectful for your company and feel much obliged.
Let us begin.
Running away from your
promise is a pretty bad thing. The one who runs always is always the bad
guy. They are at fault, they are the
ones to blame.
However, I like to stop here
for a moment and dig deeper to see who caused all this to happen.
Whatever the incident is, it
holds enormous amounts of possibility to learn about ourselves. And there are
huge learnings for both parties. The one who ran away and the one who was left
behind.
To continue with our
examination it is necessary that you start observing your breathing. You need
to do this to stay in the present moment and look at what I am saying from the
point of view of objectivity. In order to visit and examine the root cause deep
within, you need to keep your objectivity. Without your objectivity, you may
get upset and emotional and you will have no new insight to resolve your relationship
issues.
Running away from an
imbalanced relationship by making an affair as an excuse or running away from a
loving relationship by using the excuse, the fear of commitment, is one and the
same. Both are running away. Both are done in search of an escape route.
We are running away from
looking inside, from facing ourselves. We are terrified to look at what we may
find within. We are afraid to find a "bad person" within.
By running away we are
signing the „I am weak” certificate. Because we can’t take responsibility for
our actions. We can't take responsibility for becoming a positive influencer
for our relationship. We feel too weak to do the needful and the work on
ourselves to pick up the pieces and pick up the hard ends. Because it is a lot
easier to run than staying and working on yourself.
Because we are too weak to
accept that we have a responsibility as well.
And too weak to see we both were at cause.
Before we can talk about the fix and the remedy,
we need to discover the root cause.
To find a very specific cause, Allow me to ask you a few questions.
What is it what you experience from your partner, or spouse that you can't stand anymore?
What is
the feeling what your partner ignites in you wat you can’t stand?
Is the constant negative
criticism? Or the daily degrading and devaluing words? Is it that your partner
keeps pointing out your mistakes? Is it that hear your partner constantly
complaining about what you haven’t done and you don't have? Is it possible that
your partner doesn't look up to you anymore? Or doesn’t acknowledge you for all
those when he or she fell in love with you?
Is it possible that your
values changed? Maybe those which were important when the two of you met, are
no longer important. Maybe one of you changed into became more of a
materialistic and the other turn into self-development? Maybe one of you is
living for a hobby or entertainment and getting influenced by new friends and
intoxicants? And the other of you will turn within to find inner peace.
It may be that you are just
done building your big dream house and forgot about your intimate dating times.
Is it because you are too tired of running after money to pay for the expensive
vacations, new car, and paying off your loans?
You may be exhausted in the house chores and
raising children and can’t wait to have adults to talk to.
It is also possible that one
of you is bored from the job, but stays there because of the money? Is it that
not even the money can compensate you the pain you feel by showing up at your
employment you can't stand? Are you in constant tension and anger because you
are afraid to get out of this race for money? Is your spouse the only one you
can let your frustration out, as pouring that out at your boss would cause the
loss of your job?
Maybe one of you is looking
for financial stability to replace the need for emotional stability? And the
other of you is self-employed and enjoying changes and constant growth?
Did you find anything in this
list, which resembles your life and the causes? If there is anything else that
may be a root cause, please let us know so we can learn as well.
Whatever the visible reason, that there is always a „wanting” and a „not wanting” below. We don't like what the NOW holds and we want something else.
You will also find acceptance and gratitude to be missing. You will find
constant anger being present what you actually feel for yourself for not facing
yourself. You just put all your frustration on the other person. So there is a communication
gap, which gives an opportunity for all different projections and assumptions.
And then the seed for escape is formed.
If you formed the first
thought of „I don't like this” „I can't stand this”, „I hate this” and „I want
something else” your mind will do everything to keep you rolling these
thoughts. Your mind will keep you locked in this through patterns, until it
talks you into blaming the others person for not loving you, for taking
advantage of you to justify an action for you. If you rolled in these thoughts
long enough, the circumstance, the event, the „accident” will find you. Someone
else will be visible who can create the illusion of the way out, the happiness
and freedom. The Universe will bring you
circumstances to match your thinking and give you someone who has what your
previous partner doesn’t. The Universe will seemingly bring you someone who
will give you what your previous partner didn’t.
What can we do here?
Stop and take a deep breath.
Continue observing your breathing. Take a look at your expectations of your
spouse. Realize that your expectation is the very same thing that you don’t
give to yourself.
Huge realization!
Is there a possibility that
you are the one who provokes the humiliating and devaluing words out of your
spouse by what you unconsciously say or do? And you do all these to get
attention. Why on Earth are you searching for attention?
Because your parents trained
you for this! Your parents humiliated and devalued you as a child and you got
used to it. You were actually happy that you received some sort of attention
from your parents. It didn’t matter if it was humiliation, sarcasm, or negative
criticism. All that mattered, that someone paid attention to you. Then in your
adult life, you know exactly what to do and say to earn the very same attention
from others and especially your spouse.
I know that many of you are
shaking your heads, feeling upset as you are reading along. Saying „that is so
not true”.
Yet, it is. And it is ok to admit it.
The truth is that you are unconsciously humiliating yourself and asking for negative criticism.
I am saying all these now out
of the experience. As I used to provoke others to reject me and said stuff to
humiliate myself. Be brave and take a
look at yourself. Another huge realization.
If rejection and humiliation
are your emotional wounds from childhood, you will be actively using these
behaviors. You will also feel rejected or humiliated in any circumstance that
occurs. Why? Because you only know these feelings and behaviors. You will talk
sarcastically, and crack humiliating jokes on others. You will also reject them
with your negative criticism. You do this because you simply don't know
anything else to say or do.
I hope by answering these questions, you receive big
revelations. Just admit it. It's ok. It is not your fault. And as a matter of
fact, it is no one's fault.
Can you see what you do in your life now as a spouse or parent, is exactly the same as what your parents gave you? Are you simply running the automatic conditioned programs that your father and mother used to do with each other?
Let us see an example:
Maybe your spouse wants to spend some time alone. He wants to go fishing or mountain climbing or taking a bike ride. You translate this in your mind through your emotional wounds and take it all personally. You create an illusion, that your spouse doesn't want to be with you, doesn't love you anymore, because you are not good enough. Your doubt kicks in and you start thinking:
"He is just making it up that he is going fishing or biking, while he is going to see someone else."
This is all your interpretation through your past experiences.
What is really wrong?
What is it what you are afraid of? Isn't that you are afraid to be alone? Afraid to spend time alone with yourself. And you are using the love expressed by your spouse to feel lovable? Because no one ever valued you, no one ever told you that you may love yourself. And you don't need to fulfill any condition or obligation to be valuable. No one told you that you are valuable for the one reason, that you are alive. No one told you that your life is the only true value in your life and you have yours to create value with it.
Let us see another example:
Is it possible that the help your spouse is offering you feels a control for you? How can this be?
Because you have never talked about what does „caring” means for you and your spouse.
Have you ever thought of what
you do in the name of „caring” feels humiliating or can be taken as a
control? Even though you did it out of goodwill?
Have you looked into that the
love you express creates friction, animosity and provokes a rejection in the
other person? And you continue living your life with these assumptions and
automatic judgments because you are too afraid to talk about it. Your parent
never talked about it either. So staying in the delusions created by your
conditioned mind gives a great excuse to grow your anger and hatred.
Is it may be your pride or
arrogance that giving you an excuse to avoid talking about this very obvious?
Because if you talked about it you won't be able to blame and accuse the other
person and continue carrying your resentment? If you can't resent you won't be
able to live as a victim. Because without blaming and accusing you simply can't
live. The mind makes you believe that there is no life beyond being a victim.
So as pride and arrogance give you great protection to hide from change.
The question here:
Why are you upset when your spouse wants to leave you?
Can you see who did you become?
What is it exactly you are expecting from your affair when you haven't addressed your emotional wounds?
How long do you think your affair will work?
How can you think that you will attract somebody else so you can keep hiding behind your emotional wounds?
I have two pieces of news for you here. One bad and one good.
Let's begin with the bad first. Your affair will only work temporarily. You will re-live and re-experience the same emotional wounds and feeling what you are conditioned with. You will again blame the next person for the unfortunate relationship. You will continue to find another person to blame for all those what you had to fix within yourself.
The good news is, you can heal your emotional wounds and change yourself and your attractions. For this, however, you won't need an affair.
One thing is for sure. we have all the same possibilities to change.
You can heal your emotional issue, by transformational work and make your mind and heart your home.
You can reach harmony within. You can become the source of harmony and peace for others.
You learn to give yourself exactly what you need, therefore you can enter into a relationship without expectation. Since you give yourself enough, anything else you receive from others will be a gift and a source of gratitude.
And yes, it is all possible.
Let us take a break now and
digest what you have read.
With lots of love,
Dr. Zsu…
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